Begin to Hope
by Doesn'tMeanMuch
Summary: Something makes her stumble, and he can't always catch her in time.


Ok, well, I have something new, and it's just for you. I own nothing.

XXXXXX

The setting sun glinted over the both of them. It was near dusk, and they had situated themselves in the bright green grass near the top of a small hill. The park was otherwise deserted, and he was relieved. They needed their privacy.

She sat next to him, chewing at her nails, obviously nervous.

He sighed so deeply he startled himself.

"I don't know how to explain it to you," she said lowly. Her voice droned, robotic and over-controlled. He rubbed at his face, not able to find the response he wanted. She mistook this for anger; he could tell when he looked back at her eyes.

She had gorgeous eyes. It wasn't really so much the color, but the way they sparkled when she did, or the way he could read her thoughts every time he looked into them. They were her soul, and her truth. They were the reason he knew so much about her.

"Just say what you feel," he said finally. She dropped her gaze quickly to the torn canvas of her sneakers. He watched her almost say something, and then bite it back. Instead, she reached at the grass around her to toy with a blade or two. He fell back to his elbows and stretched out his legs. His brain went into overdrive, and he tried to reason things out the best he could.

"Sean, I don't want to be your problem anymore," she said suddenly, turning her face towards his. She looked so alarmed, like the words she just said had taken her by surprise almost as much as they did him.

"What does that mean?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows and sounding more annoyed than he meant. He sat up and opposite her, cross-legged just as she was. She avoided his eyes again.

"You shouldn't have to take care of me all the time. I'm just a waste of your time. Go be a regular nineteen your-old guy. Go be free. I don't want to be your burden." Her voice was so soft. He still couldn't tell exactly what this meant. She couldn't be thinking clearly.

Then he remembered that she wasn't thinking straight by any means. This was painfully obvious thanks to the deep, swollen, red lines across the inside of her wrist, the catalyst of their stand off. He was trying understand why they had been put there. This is what happened to her sometimes. She'd lose her healthy judgment, and slip back into that dark place in her heart. She'd become that person that scared him half to death.

But, she'd never been his burden.

"A burden? Where did you get that idea Ellie? You know that I'd be lower than low without you," He said, setting his hands onto hers. "Ell, you know that I'd never be graduating high school tomorrow without you. You know that baby."

"Sean," she sighed, shaking her head. "All I know is that you deserve better." Her hands flung into the air, maybe in desperation, maybe in frustration, but probably a mixture of both. She stood, and shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot, her arms wrapped around her chest.

He stood too, and she stepped back, trying to avoid him. He figured she didn't want him to reason with her. She didn't see what he saw, at least not this Ellie. This Ellie couldn't see the courage she showed when she faced every day. This Ellie couldn't see most anything.

"Ellie, I already have what I want," he whispered. She cringed, and ducked her head to the side, away from him. Her hair fell into her face, and she didn't move to put it back into place. She just stood there silent, and he couldn't reach her soul, but he desperately tried.

"I just want to know what's hurting you. I need you to tell me so I can make it better, because I love you, and seeing you like this scares me," He said, taking hold of her hands. She didn't pull herself away, instead she just stood, not speaking, not moving, and just staying stark still. When he wrapped her in his arms, she didn't budge.

So they stood there together, his chin rested on her shoulder, and his arms wrapped around her middle. Her hands lay limp by her sides, and they both stared out across the green of the empty park, towards the setting evening sun. Her face was blank, so as to block out the pain his was full off. His eyes felt wet with grief.

He was losing her, and losing her in an agonizingly drawn out way.

"Ellie baby, let me make it right," he whispered into her ear. His voice was impossibly gentle, and wracked with the sounds his slowly shattering heart. "I can make it right if you just talk to me."

At least for this moment though, she couldn't talk. Something he would never understand kept her from spilling that overwhelming hurt for now.

It became dark, and they'd not moved. They were both still standing there, now staring into the blind night. His mind was bounding through every thinkable scenario that would have shoved her so violently back to broken.

"Sean?"

Her voice was raspy from disuse, and raw with whatever she'd just spent the last hour feeling.

"What is babe?" He asked, his own voice sounding much quieter than it did in his head.

"It's freezing out here. Let's go home," she said. Her voice shook so slightly that if his ears hadn't been so tuned to every nuance, he'd have missed it. She was right though, it was way too cold of a night for June, but maybe that was appropriate.

"Ok Ellie," he smiled, appreciating the fact that she still wanted him with her. He hugged her closer, and they started walking towards home. She placed her arms across his, and he felt the meaning in the gesture. She was trying. His Ellie was in there, trying to break away from her demons.

It amazed him how she could never seem to see her strength. She didn't realize the incredible will he saw when she snapped out of the black part inside of her. She never saw the beautiful person he saw. Sometimes he wondered what she did see.

Because to him, every fiber of her being was something he loved. He wouldn't change a thing about her. He just hoped for her peace, for her happiness. Because when she was happy, he was happy. She was his light. He knew he needed her.

Still, she didn't seem to know that.

"Do you have your key?" she said simply as they approached the apartment building. His right hand dropped from her to his pocket, and he rustled between the loose change and his wallet, and emerging victorious with his key ring.

"Got 'em," He answered and they took the steps up to the front door, still a mix of two people walking as one. He opened the door, and they finally broke apart to walk the long flights of stairs. His left hand stayed intertwined in hers though. He didn't want to break that contact, not now. She held on limply. It was not a purposeful connection; she was just blindly following his lead.

They scaled the stairs together, and soon enough arrived at the front door of their small apartment. She pulled her hand away, and walked towards their shared bedroom. He followed, knowing that she knew he would.

She dropped herself into the unmade bed, and he lay gently down beside her. His hand rested on the small of her back.

"Why are you trembling babe?" He asked quietly, feeling her shiver under his touch. She turned her face so she could lay her eyes on him. He saw the shiny tears welling, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her forehead.

"Oh Ellie," was all he could manage.

"I'm ready to tell you now if you want to hear it," she croaked, her voice breaking as the tears dropped. He ran one hand through her pretty red hair.

"Babe, I'm right here," he responded, his voice low and purposeful. She ducked her head into his chest, and then flipped around, so she faced away, but his hand was still loosely over her middle. They rested that way, lying there together, for just a moment. He lay anxiously awaiting her explanation, but managing to keep himself patient. She stayed silent, trying to find the right words to begin.

"I went to the grocery store today," she burst out. He sat wordlessly, waiting for her to finish the thought. She didn't disappoint.

"My mother was there," she continued shakily. "And she was with this guy." His heart sank. Her father had died in action overseas almost a year ago, and she still wasn't over the heartbreak. The anniversary of his death had been more and more on her mind for the last few weeks.

"I felt so sick Sean," she sighed. She turned back around to look at him. "They were walking around, completely normal. She wasn't drunk or anything. She was like she was when I was a little kid. She was what I remembered."

He rubbed little circles with his thumb on her side, but stayed silent, so she could get everything out. This was just how they did it. When she wanted to talk, he would let her talk. There was never any interruption, never any commentary, not until the end.

"So I followed them, like an idiot. It just hurt to see her happy like that when I was still so sad," she sighed deeply, her breath rattling in her throat. "Then I saw it. My dad just died Sean, and she had a fucking ring on her finger. She's re-married."

He felt like someone punched him in the stomach. His eyes shut and his face fell with the stress of her emotional pain. That hurt for him to hear. He just couldn't imagine what it had done to her.

"She saw me though," Ellie said, sniffing away her tears. "She saw me and pretended like she didn't, but she knew I saw that ring."

"God Ellie," He said. His own voice was so unsteady. It bothered him to sound so affected, but that was only a side note in his mind. "God, I'm so sorry."

"So, now you know why I did what I did," she finished, somewhat embarrassed, tears were streaming down her cheeks again. He wiped them away with the pad of his thumbs and held her face in his hands. He let her cry, and wished he could stop it, but all he could really do was hold her.

"Just tell me," she said between quiet sobs. "Tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I am not crazy." That broke his heart into pieces.

"Look at me Ellie," he whispered, his voice serious. Her sad eyes turned up to his, and the earnest look they held made him say what he said with even more emphasis than he had planned.

"You are not, and never have been, crazy." He searched her face for confirmation. She just blinked back more tears and spoke more.

"Sean, I wasted my life with her. She never needed me to make her better. I wasted my childhood waiting patiently for her to be happy again, but she didn't need my love or my attention. I wasn't anything to her," she croaked through the emotional strain. Her beautiful face was marred with that deep hurt. He'd do anything to stop it.

"But you're everything to me," he whispered. Her eyes shone with so slight of an unexpected happiness he'd have missed it if he wasn't waiting for it.

His heart soared; he knew that his Ellie had come back to him.

XXXXXX

thanks orange...


End file.
